Sunday, November 24, 2013

November 24th: In the arms of Jesus

My baby is with Jesus now. Her spirit is renewed and pain is washed away in heaven, while I am broken and hurting on earth.

We got the dreaded call around 2:30am. They said that the nurse was suctioning her and she Vagal-ed down (which is the same mechanism as when you bear down to have a baby). Her heart stopped. They ran a code and cpr until we got there. Shaun and I had snatched the boys out of bed buckled the baby in and ran to the hospital. We put both boys on our backs and ran into the hospital. The front desk clerks, social worker, and Ava's nurse all helped watched our 3 kids in a room next to the front desk. I asked how long they had been doing compressions. They said 25 minutes and she wasn't responding to any drugs and was starting to bleed. Shaun and I told them to stop right away. They extubated her quickly and wrapped her in a black blanket and gave her to me in a rocking chair. She took her last breaths in my arms. I held here on and off for the next 5 hours. Shaun and I gave her her last bath and wrapped her in another blanket. We got molds of her hands and feet as well as footprints and handprints. I got a lock of her hair. We listened to the song music therapy made of her and I watched what few movies I had of her on my phone. We ate breakfast at the Ronald McDonald house and Shaun packed the car. We saw Ava one more time, for the last time, at the mortuary where we had to sign a bunch of papers. I carried her around the room and looked at and talked at all the religiously ambiguous paintings. 

I can't even begin to describe the feeling. I don't wish it on anyone. I wanted to just rock her though I knew she wasn't there. I wanted her on my chest so I could just pretend she was sleeping. I wanted to touch every body part in the attempt to burn it in my brain so I wouldn't forget what she felt, or looked, or smelled like. She looks just like me. She's my baby. She has my earlobes, and my mouth, and my small nose and my dark eyes. She has one dimple on her right cheek. Her hair is dark and thick like mine and her head still soft like a newborn.  Her hands and feet are small and perfect and so much cuter than mine. I am heartbroken for her twin. 

I don't care what people think of me posting this photo, just so you know. 


I visited her last night and saw my favorite mannerisms. She rubs her eyes and eyebrows with the back of her fists when she's tired or needs comfort. She snuggled her soft blanket on the right side of her face. She prefers her right because her nurses have always been on her right. Even in her bedroom at home, I was on her right. She grabs my finger even when her eyes are shut. She opens her eyes when I talk to loud and she knows it's me. 

She was, she is the sweetest little baby who endured more in 7 and a half months than any person should in a lifetime. 

I'm home now. Driving home with an empty carseat is one of the worst things to be conscious of in your backseat. The boys are thrilled to have normalcy back, to a degree. They are vaguely aware of the new situation. It's a little more apparent to Sam. He has been telling strangers today. Both are confused about when they will die too and they are talking about baby Ivy dying too if she gets sick.  Everywhere I look is Ava. I have so much to clean, but I don't want to touch or move any of it. I want a whole snuggle day with her, impossible. I have the last outfit she wore and I will never wash it. I threw my sweatshirt in the wash with a ton of oxiclean and I secretly hope it will keep the giant blood stain on it. It was right over my stomach and there was way too much irony in it. 

I may update this later. I'm operating on another sleepless night and overwhelming grief. 

We will post funeral information. There will be no viewing, so we have a little flexibility. Thanksgiving definitely throws a wrench in there. It will NOT likely be a weekday.
We would like someone with skills :) and some visual and musical creativity to put together a power point. 
We would appreciate small meals, but maybe every other day, and we don't want people to stay and chat. 
I do not want help cleaning up Ava's stuff.
I do not want visitors, least of all drop in ones. 
I would like someone to take over the process of appropriately donating my breastmilk, whatever that entails. I have more than a freezer full. It represents a lot of love, hard work and dedication and I do not want it to go to waste. 

Here is the song for Ava and I both:
Shaun says "yes, we miss her but I don't think I've ever been closer to God". Neither of us would exchange the last months in for never knowing our baby. 

Steven Curtis Chapman - Feet of Jesus Lyrics

Artist: Steven Curtis Chapman

Album: The Glorious Unfolding

At the feet of Jesus I will lay my burdens down
I will lay my heavy burdens down
In the stillness I can hear my Savior calling out
Come to me and lay your burdens down

So I will lay down my struggles
I will lay down my shame
All the fear I drag around through this life
like a ball and chain
(All my questions and confusion)
I will sing Hallelujah to the One who sets me free
And you will find me at the feet of Jesus

In the arms of Jesus I will find my peace and rest
I hear him calling come to me and rest
Carried by my shepherd cradled tightly to His chest
There and there alone my soul finds rest

So I will rest in the shelter of my Savior’s embrace
Hidden safely in the refuge of His mercy and His Grace
And I Will Sing Hallelujah to the One who sets me free
And you will find me in the arms of Jesus

At the feet of my Savior
At the feet of my King
I will bow down and worship
I will lift my voice and sing
Hallelujah Hallelujah to the One who sets me free
You will find me at the feet of Jesus


Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/steven-curtis-chapman/feet-of-jesus-lyrics/#Rmlu7TKJ9YTbrxy3.99

29 comments:

  1. Praying still! Huge hug. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you folks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone ever, ever, ever. Though a stranger from far away, I am so sad with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. We are heartbroken for all of you. I will take care of your frozen breast milk for you. Your step-sister Nancy is an artist and she is musicial, and I have seen a great power point that she created. I'm sure she would love to do that for you. We are praying for all of you and love you very much.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh My Gosh! I don't know what to say except I'm praying for peace and healing for your family. Jesus wanted her home with him...I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My heart, our hearts, cry out with grief with you. Words don't come close or do it justice. If there's anything we can help with, let us know. Our prayers are with you as well as all your family.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi, I know Shaun from work and I'm very sorry. Can I bring a meal for your family Monday or Tuesday sometime before 1 PM? Let me know what time works for you and any dietary requirements.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I found your blog through a friend who followed you. I wanted to say my condolences. Prayers to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I started praying when the code tones sounded. I didn't realize then that it was Ava, but you've been in my prayers all day. I am so, so sorry. I wish I had words to help.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Praying for you in this painful place. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. There are no easy words when life hurts so bad and I feel silly even trying to offer any...save to let you know you are loved and prayed for. We will get to meet your precious Ava someday and I'm grateful for the time you had gifted with her here.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Words are not enough! Continued prayers for you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Amber~ I met you guys down at primary's. My little baby boy was roommates with Ava for a while. my name is jessica dana. Im not sure if you remember me or not but i have been following Ava's blog ever since i got back transported to logan. We talked about this a little while i was there, that i had a baby pass away in the nicu before and i also have twins at home.My heart sank today as i read the title of this post when i did my daily Ava check in. My eyes filled with tears and my heart broke for you guys! I knew the horrible pain your feeling now and what lies in the days, weeks and months ahead and i wish i could take it all away for you! No parent should have to bury there baby and also no twin should have to bury there companion. My heart breaks for Ivy and you.And even though we know the lord has a plan... it still just plain sucks sometimes! We know we will see them again, but it feels like forever and doesnt help the hurt now! I know there really are no words that can ease your pain right now but please know that you are in our prayers. Please let me help!!! First of all, i just donated all my breast milk to the milk bank so im fresh and familiar with that process if i can help with that. And I do photography and videography professionally and would love to put together a slideshow for you guys if you want. When our little boy passed away we had a friend do a video and it is something we hold dear!! Please let me ease some of this for you! Email me and i can give you my number so i can help! jessicadana87@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. I bet you briefly last week with Carmen, Ashley and Sara. My heart is breaking for your family and will keep you in my prayers. When you are ready, I would be happy to make you a scrapbook or help you put one together. Sending you love and healing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The picture is most appropriate. My condolences to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  15. saw post on friend's fb. Reading this as I pump. I'm practically sobbing. Many prayers for you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Shaun and Amber,
    I go to church with Evan and have been following your blog for sometime now after seeing it on our mutual friends Facebook pages. I am praying for the holy spirits comfort and peace to be with your family during this time. I know there are no words that can heal only through time and comfort from The Lord. I would like to know if there is anything I can do to help coordinate meals for you or if there is someone I can get in touch with that might already be doing this for your family? There is a wonderful website I have used in the past takethemameal.com and it is free and really easy to use. I thought it might help with coordinating the abundance of people that are going to want to help you during this time. My cell number is 509-868-8139 if you would like to reach me or pass it along to someone else. My fervent prayers are with your family right now.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm sorry for your loss. I have friends who've lost their infants and have joined a helpful support group on FB with others in the same position. I can get you in contact with my friends and/or that group. My friend Shantel told me you need help with milk donation. I would be happy to take over. I actually know two moms that are in need. It's nothing serious, but one mom is having a hard time with her supply and the other mom had to wean to formula due to a condition that gave her panic and really tough thoughts when she nursed. There's a name for it. My e-mail is shannonlovesrob@gmail.com. I can keep it in my freezer and find those in need.

    ReplyDelete
  18. A beautiful post Amber. My heart is breaking for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are a rock! I can't even imagine the pain you are going through.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm so sorry to read this... So sad for everyone... you must feel so empty now. I am the sister of Nele Odegard and I heard your story from her. Though I don't know you in person, I want you to know that you're not bearing this sadness alone ... Kind kuddle to all of you. X

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dearest Amber,
    I've been following Ava and your ordeal with a heavy heart. Even through our brief get-togethers I've gotten to know you as a special person with lots of love to give. Ava still feels your love. It's frustrating as you can't feel it back on earthly terms. It will show, though- in the ways you so well documented and shared with all of us. We've got you all in our hearts.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I don't know you, but your friend Lisa Powell is a long time family friend. She posted this to her page and I wept and wept upon reading it. I'm so heartbroken for you, I can't even find the words. Anything I say would be hollow for so many reasons: I'm a stranger. I have no concept of what you are feeling. It's just words on a page to me, but very real to you. Nevertheless, I just wanted to reach out in some small way and lend whatever comfort words from a stranger can possibly offer. I know I can't pray this pain away, any more than you can, but pray I will. I will ask for peace to be over your home and your family and for the comforter to speed to your side and hold your head above the water until you are strong enough to do so on your own.

    ReplyDelete
  22. My heart aches for you all. Your honesty and strength are truly inspiring. I know there is nothing that I can say other than that I will pray as hard as I can for you all. May God's peace be with you and comfort you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. We are so sorry for your loss Amber. When I heard what you were going through I couldn't have imagined someone as wonderful as you having to bare such a burden. Again we cry tears with you through this troubling time. Love,Judd and Tami Aeschbacher

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thinking and praying that you and your family will find comfort. I so enjoyed meeting you on Saturday, what a strong woman and mother you are....

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh Amber. Ian and I are grieving with you. I'm so sorry... I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. We've been praying for her and your family every day. She was such a beautiful blessing, now at peace with the Lord.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I keep you and your family in my prayers. Working at the Ronald McDonald family room gave me the opportunity to meet you and your wonderful family and although I never got to see ava I fell in love with her and all of you. Just last Thursday I had the opportunity to hold and comfort Ivy. The image of her resting her head on my cheek is forever burned in my heart and I can't imagine what it would have been like to hold Ava. I wish the best for your family and will treasure the memories I have with you all.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Shaun & Amber,

    Being here in the RMFR yesterday was so hard not having little Ivie and the both of you here. You have become family for the past 7 months. My heart aches for the both of you and your family. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you are going through. The tears have been flowing for all of you and I so wish the outcome would have been different. She is the miracle baby and everyone was blessed knowing you, your family and her. My life will never be the same. My arms are aching to hold Ivie again. What a beautiful spirit she is. There are no words to be said to comfort you at this time. You all went through so much these past seven month. Please know that my love, thoughts, prayers are with each of you at this time. We will miss each of you more than you know--but a very special place in our hearts will be there for each of you forever.

    Cindy

    ReplyDelete
  28. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I don't know you but a long time friend, Melissa MacDonald, posted the memorial service information on FaceBook and I followed the link over here. I wanted to let you know that yes we strangers but this post touched my heart. I will be praying for God's Grace and Mercy be with you and your family. We lost our son Aaron in 1993. He was only 3 months 8 days old. I wish I had written my thoughts and emotions down, as well as, some of the things details that you thought to share. I wish I had a photo of my holding him one last time. God Bless you

    ReplyDelete